Today’s social media tragedy was a mom on Threads bashing single moms for ‘living off the system’ and getting thousands of dollars in SNAP, WIC, and LIHEAP benefits. This stigma isn’t just unfair, it’s rooted in outdated ideas and stereotypes and totally ignores the structural barriers single mothers face. As a single mom, I can tell you just how hard it is to work while being the primary parent without family support.
Where Did the Stigma Start?
Well, traditionally, the nuclear family (a mom, a dad, and a couple kids) was considered the perfect family. And until the 70s and 80s, many women were trapped in bad marriages because they couldn’t have a bank account in their name, couldn’t necessarily own property, and could be excluded from a job simply for being a woman. Our grandmas’ marriages weren’t ‘better’ – our grandmas were trapped because they had no options to survive without a husband.
When women finally could leave bad marriages, society didn’t celebrate their independence—it vilified it. Ronald Reagan started the stereotype of the ‘welfare queen’ on his political platform, and sadly, it stuck around. Even today, the media often portrays single moms as being irresponsible or a big drain on their community.
But here’s the thing. Women simply don’t leave good marriages. Divorce is hard; divorce with kids is even harder. If a woman has left a marriage, there’s a reason.
I can’t stand the thought that says “if you can’t pay for your kids, you shouldn’t have had them.” Okay, well, no one gets married and has kids expecting to end up a single mom. It just doesn’t work like that, but roughly 40 to 50% of marriages end in divorce, with the rate of divorce for second marriages being even higher according to Census and Pew Research data. And if the person you are marrying isn’t already a parent, you cannot possibly know how they will be as a parent. You might think you do, but there is actually no way to know for sure.
There are some harsh realities in our society that many don’t want to admit, especially conservatives who ascribe to a more patriarchal view of marriage.
The Pay Gap Is Real
Women still get paid less than men. Women make roughly 80 to 85% of what men make “depending on dataset (BLS, Pew). Women still bear the brunt of childcare responsibilities, even when they are married. And women are still more likely to stay home with their kids and experience career disruption, which makes it hard to return to the workforce if they end up divorced.
In a divorce situation, trends are showing that roughly 80% of mothers are the primary custodial parent. That means the moms have the kids most of the time, are primarily responsible for their day to day physical, health, and educational needs, and the dads legally are not required to take their parenting time. That leaves 50/50 custody to just a few – around the 20% mark.
Childcare Costs Are Astronomical
In 2023, the average US cost for childcare was $11,600 for one child for the year. It isn’t much better for school age children because it’s much harder and more expensive to find childcare that covers random half days, holidays, and you certainly aren’t going to find someone to stay home with their kids when they are sick.
That’s like paying an $11,000 tax per kid just to go to work.
In my family, which is larger than most, we generally have one doctor/dentist appointment per week, and from October to March, we typically have one child home sick per week. That’s a lot of missed school – and work. How is a mom supposed to hold down a full-time professional job if she has to miss that much work? Especially considering she didn’t choose to be a single mom – who would? Unless being single was significantly better than being married.
And since many moms, who sacrificed their careers to manage the kids and households so their husbands could have a career, find themselves going back into a job after not working, they aren’t going to just start getting professional level pay. And if you have to work around your kids’ schedules, you’re going to have to make even more compromises on what kind of a job you can take. Jobs that are flexible enough to work around kids don’t pay well.
Let’s Break It Down
For example, even working for the school district as a food service worker – you probably only make $14 to $16 an hour. Walmart – $18-$20. Amazon delivery- $20-$22.
If you made $20 an hour full-time with no missed days, you’d have about $41,000 gross. Minus taxes, you’d have about $36,000 left. Subtract $11,000 for childcare, and you’re done to $25,000 for the year. A little over $2,000 per month. Rent is easily $1500 per month. The USDA suggested amount for groceries – the bare minimum – $432 for a mom and a child. So just covering the cost of childcare, food, and housing leaves you with about $68 per month to cover utilities (heat and electric), health insurance, copays, school expenses, oh and you need transportation to work!
She may get a little child support, but that’s probably only several hundred dollars – according to the US Census Bureau, the average payment is $430 per month, if it comes in consistently. There is a lot of resentment towards paying child support. That’ll cover sneakers, clothes, sports fees, and school supplies. We all know that doesn’t go very far.
It isn’t doable. And that isn’t the mom’s fault – it’s that the entire system is stacked against her from the very moment she got pregnant. She isn’t mooching – she’s pinching every single penny and still not able to make it work.
Safety Nets
This is why our government has safety nets like SNAP, WIC, and LIHEAP. This is to help families, the disabled, the elderly – who just can’t survive. This is the government recognizing that many full-time jobs do not pay enough to survive on.
It’s sad that we shame single moms for needing help. They didn’t choose to have to live this way and the whole welfare queen stigma is a farce (a political stereotype that’s been kept alive for decades, often for partisan gain) even though fraud rates are incredibly low.
Let’s stop framing poverty as a moral failure. It isn’t. It’s a systemic problem that needs to be addressed at the corporate level. Let’s stop shaming single moms for not being able to work a full-time professional job while single-handedly raising kids. There just isn’t enough flex time, PTO, and vacation time to make that feasible.
Instead of looking down on single moms, get to know one. Offer to babysit (if appropriate), pick up groceries, mow the yard, teach a kid to drive, or help with school carpooling. And most of all, when you hear single moms being shamed, speak up! I promise – they’re doing their best to survive and raise some really good humans.
Single moms aren’t drains on society—they’re proof of its resilience.
When we invest in them, we invest in children, stability, and the future.
The real shame isn’t that moms need help—it’s that we make them feel ashamed for asking.
Edited: Shoutout to Jenn Riedy for catching my child support error! The average amount across the US is $430 per month, but that amount can vary widely depending on the number of kids, parents’ incomes, etc.