Your inner view of God probably doesn’t come from the Bible, not completely. How we understand and interact with God has been shaped by the relationship we had with our parents or caregivers from a young age.
We’re basically handed our “first God” in how our parents (or primary caregivers) relate to us. Later, people tell us about the God of the Bible, but deep down our nervous system is like, “Oh, you mean Someone like mom/dad?” and just copies and pastes.
Think about how you view God – what is God like to you? Do you feel like God is out there somewhere, watching from a distance? Or perhaps God is just waiting for you to make a mistake and sentence you to some horrible punishment? Or does God feel like a sweet grandpa, always loving, offering up an occasional treat?
Here are some examples to consider:
The Harsh God
If your parents were strict, harsh, or critical and unpredictable, perhaps you received lots of criticism but not much positive affirmation. Love felt conditional to you, based on behavior, getting good grades, always required to be pleasant. Perhaps punishments felt harsh, random, or your parents had issues with anger coming out of nowhere.
If this were your experience, you might feel like God is constantly evaluating whether you are following the ‘rules’ in the Bible. God feels strict, and you are always afraid of making a mistake. Prayer might feel like a performance rather than a conversation. You often find yourself apologizing and repenting. You might be really worried about sin.
Chances are, your parents didn’t make you feel safe, and you unconsciously apply that to God.
The Distant God
Maybe your parents were emotionally distant, unavailable, or just absent altogether. Perhaps they provided well for you, but you didn’t feel seen. Or maybe your family didn’t ever talk about emotions, and you had to keep your feelings to yourself. Or maybe your parents worked a lot, or divorce or illness kept them from parenting the way you needed.
If this resonates with you, even just a little, you might think God is far away and hard to connect with. Maybe you hold to the core beliefs of your denomination, but can’t help feeling that “God has more important things to do than care about my stuff.” Prayers feel like you’re talking to thin air, not to a present God. You might not expect God to listen or answer at all.
It’s like, if your parents didn’t see your needs, why would you even think that God would?
The Controlling God
Then again, maybe your parents were controlling or overprotective. This might look like lots of rules, lots of helicopter parenting, and independence was dangerous.
This could make you feel like God is that cosmic helicopter parent- always watching you, but mostly to stop you from doing something. You’re constantly seeking God’s approval and afraid to make decisions without a sign from God. You feel guilty about wanting to be independent or grow. Your spiritual life feels like you have to fit into a purity box.
You might feel like God doesn’t trust you to make good decisions because your parents didn’t allow you to grow.
The Moody God
Then again, maybe your parents felt inconsistent or like they had two sides or two modes. Maybe they were really warm and loving sometimes, but scary and cold at other times. Maybe you never knew which version you would get. You felt like you had to walk on eggshells, or you were always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
If this sounds like you, maybe God feels moody and unstable. You’re constantly worrying about making God mad, as if one wrong move will flip the switch from love to anger. You’re always trying to figure out if God is pleased with what you’re doing or mad. You might feel like love – especially God’s love – is unstable.
The Loving and Safe God
What if your parents were really loving, steady, and safe?
You were allowed to feel your feelings, and they were validated. Your parents probably apologized if they made a mistake. You were disciplined well, but it wasn’t scary or shameful. You knew you could make mistakes and still be loved.
You’re more likely to find that God is reliably loving, not just theoretically loving. You are comfortable being your real self with God, and can bring your doubts, struggles, and worries to Him. Your parents felt steady, and so does God.
There are all ‘caricatures’ of parenting styles, and chances are, you experienced a little bit of a mix of them. No, parents are not perfect, and I am not one to blame all our problems on them. Most parents are just doing their best, and as adults, we are responsible for who we become. But it does help us understand our emotional and spiritual patterns and how we relate to God.
Why Is This Important
This is important for a few reasons. First of all, our early childhood impressions of our parents were pre-verbal, so this affects our nervous system and our underlying view of God. You might say “God is love” and believe it, but deep down you think, “He just doesn’t really love me.” Or you feel you need to follow a bunch of rules to be spiritually mature or to be loved by God. You’re afraid God is going to get mad and punish you eternally, or you think God doesn’t care what you do.
But this doesn’t just affect you. It affects how you see others, too. A church might say they are welcoming, but only if you agree to act like them or follow their idea of what the Bible says. And this feels normal because your parents were overly controlling. But this also ostracizes people and excludes them from getting to know God.
If your parents shamed you when they disciplined you, you might feel ashamed to show up at church after a bad week. Or perhaps you feel anger or disdain for someone else, you made a mistake- you can’t interact with them because they might taint you in God’s eyes.
Where Do We Go From Here
There are many ways our view of God shapes our view of others. And it is really hard to read the Bible without these internal biases that we project onto God. It’s also really hard to see for ourselves.
We need to read our Bible with open eyes, rather than reading to confirm our current biases. This is hard work, and it isn’t fun to shake up what we’ve always thought to be true. We need to listen to others and be open to a different view of theology. You are not going to be tainted by listening to someone who thinks or believes differently from you – in fact, it might change you or reinforce what is true.
We also need to read the Bible and see how God actually views us. No matter how good or loving your parents are, God is infinitely more good and infinitely more loving. Fear, shame, disdain, hurt, betrayal, illness – none of those things ever ever come from God, and if you are subconsciously applying that belief to yourself or someone else, that is a belief that needs to change.